But for some of us, the right time just never comes. It may not be a conscious decision not to start a family, but you may wake up one day and realize that it’s just not going to happen. Redditors who are over 40 and single have recently been discussing whether or not they regret not having kids, so we’ve gathered some of their thoughts below. Enjoy scrolling through, whether you’re a parent or not, and keep reading to find a conversation with Sue Fagalde Lick, creator of the Childless by Marriage blog and author of Childless by Marriage and Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both.
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“I grew up assuming that I would have children. All of the women around me were mothers. I mothered my many dolls and my big black cat,” she shared. “Before my first husband and I were married, we signed forms at church saying we would welcome children and raise them in the Catholic faith.”
“During our six-year marriage, I spent a lot of time knitting and crocheting baby things and fantasizing about being pregnant. My husband was in no hurry to have children,” Sue continued. “Not yet, he kept saying. By the time I realized he didn’t ever want kids, the marriage was broken. He married twice after me and didn’t have children with those wives either.”
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“I should have known then that it was never going to happen for me, but I spent years hoping for a miracle that didn’t happen. I was in my 40s when the truth finally sank in,” she continued. “I hoped that my stepchildren would fill the gap, but we never formed a close bond. When my husband was 65, he developed Alzheimer’s Disease. He died at 73, leaving me a widow at age 59. I have been single and living alone since 2011.”
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“Parents don’t understand that we didn’t choose this, that it hurts like hell, that we are not anti-kid, and that we’re not weird or crazy because we’re not parents,” she continued. “I wish they understood that we grieve the loss and are ever conscious of what we’re missing.”
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Sue also pointed out that IVF costs a fortune and frequently doesn’t work, and adoption is expensive and difficult as well. “There are no easy fixes. If you physically cannot have children, you need to grieve that loss as much as if someone you loved has died, but know that there are other things you can do with your life and you have the gift of time and freedom to pursue your dreams,” Sue shared.
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“Also, these days, many young couples find they just can’t afford to have children. Overwhelmed with student loan debt and a huge cost of living, they can’t even buy a house; how can they raise kids and pay for everything they need? They may delay childbearing until it’s too late,” she added. “Childlessness comes in many forms, and there are more of us all the time. Strangers need to stop opening conversations with, ‘How many kids do you have?’”
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