So it’s understandable that redditor Potential-Trash-7890’s first date stormed out of a restaurant when she realized he ate without her. Completely baffled about what he did wrong, he turned to the “AITAH” subreddit, asking for its members’ unbiased opinions. Scroll further to find the full story and a conversation with the original poster Potential-Trash-7890, who kindly agreed to tell us more about his experience. Bored Panda also had a chat with dating coaches Emily Bucknell and Hayley Quinn to learn more about dinner date behaviors.
Not all first dates go as planned
Share icon Image credits: Brooke Cagle (not the actual photo)
This guy was left by his date because he had already eaten without her
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The author joined the comments to provide more details on the situation
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A dating coach on dinner behaviors
Share icon Image credits: Jep Gambardella (not the actual photo) According to data, 49% of Americans still prefer the old-fashioned dinner for a first date over meeting for coffee or drinks. But as evidenced by the story, there are a lot of secrets that make an outing for a meal successful. Bored Panda reached out to the original poster, who kindly agreed to share more about his experience. We were curious to know what inspired him to share his dating mishap. “Just out of curiosity to get some feedback. I felt it was unreasonable to be upset at that, but apparently I’m wrong, haha.” He told us that something like this had never happened to him before. “I have gone on dates and not eaten while my date has, and it hasn’t been a problem. The dates went very pleasantly. And yes, there were second and third dates after that. In some, I did eat with my date.” We also got in touch with dating coaches Emily Bucknell and Hayley Quinn, who kindly agreed to tell us more about dinner date behavior that would guarantee a second date next time around. We were interested in finding out if the guy was acting rude on his date’s part. Quin told us, “Eating dinner before your date arrives will make you come across as self-centered and inconsiderate, which are exactly the opposite qualities you want to demonstrate to a potential partner. Eating together and sharing food is a way that we build social bonds, and waiting for your date to arrive will show consideration and respect for them.” Bucknell also deemed it improper. “If it’s a planned dinner date, then I would most definitely say it’s a no-no to eat before the other person arrives, leaving them to eat alone. The expectation with a dinner date is that you’ll both be eating dinner together. If they arrive and you say you’ve already eaten, then that leaves the other person in the awkward position of eating a meal while the other person watches. It’s not going to leave the best impression. ” Indeed, sharing food is a very big part of dating. Psychologists at Leeds University have found that couples who tasted each other’s meals wanted to go on a second date, compared to 43% of those who didn’t share. Having dinner together also creates an intimate atmosphere and gives the pair more time to get to know each other better.
Giving up the idea of dinner dates
Share icon Image credits: Vija Rindo Pratama (not the actual photo) If a person already had their dinner before the outing, Quinn advises trying to understand why their date is not happy about it. “If someone’s upset by you eating first, don’t try to rationalize your decision to them. Saying, “Well, I was really hungry,” isn’t going to make them feel better.” “That’s because it’s not the act of eating itself that will feel problematic to your date, but it will be the implication that you don’t value quality time with them or that you’re unconcerned [of] their needs. Instead, try expressing, ’I can understand why that upset you. For me, it was as simple as feeling hungry and acting on that impulse, but I can see how that left you feeling like I wasn’t thinking about you. I do really value our time together.’” Bucknell adds that, in such a case, it’d be a great time to share a dessert. “If you’ve unintentionally eaten before a dinner date and the other person is upset about it, the best thing to do is to own it. Apologize that the date now isn’t what they would’ve expected it to be, you’re not sharing a meal together and go from there. If they’re open, share a dessert! And know that if they are still upset and it isn’t something they can move past, then they aren’t the person for you. ” It’s possible that a person not eating on such an outing should give up the idea of dinner dates altogether. Quin advises, “If you prefer not to eat during a date, then first of all (if possible) communicate your preference beforehand and don’t choose dinner dates. Instead, say, ‘Thursday is great, but can we do something active instead?’ Choosing to go on non-dinner dates will enable you to build your bond and avoid any awkward conversations.” She added, “If you do wind up on a dinner date, be careful to express your preference for not eating as a personal decision and not a reflection of them, ’It’s for personal reasons, but I’m not eating out at the moment – however, please eat! I’m happy to be here, spending time with you.’ Keep your explanation short and positive: Often, if it’s not a big deal to you, it also won’t be a big deal to them!” Bucknell concludes that communication is key. “The purpose of dating is to find someone that you want to have a relationship with, to share a life with…and that will involve eating in front of them. If you’re someone who doesn’t feel comfortable eating in front of another person that you don’t know well, be open and honest about that and suggest dates where you’re doing something where you feel comfortable instead.” “It’s important that you’re able to speak up and communicate your needs, that’s the foundation of any strong relationship. When you do this, you’re going to find the people that respect how you feel and what it is you need…and you’ll know pretty quickly who doesn’t and isn’t worth your time.” Interestingly, the response that the original poster got from Reddit altered his view of the situation. “The feedback I’m getting is that women feel uncomfortable eating in front of people they just met, so just for the sake of making them comfortable, I will order an appetizer next time. However, you should eat when you need to and are able to! And I will add to the women who are going on first dates that men do not care how you look eating in front of them. We actually like a woman with an appetite, so feel free and comfortable eating as much as you desire.” He signed off by saying, “It’s ok to be different. Not every social convention needs to be followed. If your intentions are pure, then the person should understand.”
Most commenters were shaming OP’s actions
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Some were on his side, suggesting that a restaurant wasn’t the best place for a first date
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