No matter how many years you’ve known someone, you can never be certain that you actually know everything about them. Whether your childhood best friend is hiding secrets about their hobbies or your college bestie has decided to keep all of their romantic relationships under wraps, there’s always a chance that you don’t know your loved ones as well as you thought you did.
Redditors have recently been sharing the secrets that rocked their worlds when friends finally revealed them, so we’ve gathered some of the juiciest ones below. And keep reading to find conversations with Rebekah Ferguson, LMHC, Rachel Friendly, PhD, and Paula Glashausser, LCSW, from Zencare!
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First, we got in touch with Rebekah Ferguson, LMHC. Rebekah is a licensed mental health counselor in Brooklyn, NY, who works with adults of all ages in the treatment of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder/trauma related symptoms, religious identify conflicts, issues with self-esteem, recovery from high control groups and high control relationships, and complex personal struggles related to racial injustice.
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When it comes to making friends, Dr. Friendly says, “Different friendships have different trajectories. Some are slow and simmering, and then sometimes, you meet someone and you just know they are your people and you get to know them really quickly. Neither is necessarily better than the other, assuming both are built on respect, trust, and equity.”
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“Building a friendship can happen very quickly, progress overtime, or take years. There may be a spark - a connection or commonality of sorts - that helps us think, ‘I can’t believe I hadn’t met this person sooner,’ and feel as though they’ve been your friend forever,” she shared.
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“It’s important to remember that we need to accept people for who they are, as well as where they are in their journey. Whether they aren’t ready to share, or maybe won’t ever share, it’s their decision, and we need to respect that,” she explained. “No one is entitled to know details about a person’s experiences, history, or their life that they don’t want to share. All you can do is create a safe space for that person and hope that they will feel comfortable enough to come to you with a secret.”
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“However, if one or both friends are keeping secrets, placing a value such as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ on this dynamic is limiting. A more useful way to address it is to become curious on why one or both are keeping secrets, assess if the secret is something that could impact the other person in a meaningful way, and explore if the pattern of keeping secrets is unique to that friendship, or a more general pattern in interpersonal dynamics,” the expert noted.
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“Keeping those secrets isn’t necessarily a ‘bad sign,’ because it may not mean anything at all about the other person in the relationship. It may just take the person longer to overcome their own internal shame,” she explained. “But when the shame comes from within the relationship (e.g., the other person either directly shames you or is regularly judgmental about other people so that the message is received that this secret would be shameful), then there is probably something to be examined within that friendship.”
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“Having an understanding of a person’s values, characteristics, and life experiences is necessary for forming an authentic friendship, however it is both unrealistic and unhelpful to expect to know everything about another person,” Rebekah shared.
“There are some aspects that should be disclosed, if it has a direct or could have a direct impact on the other person, and their sense of safety (psychological, physical, etc.) within the friendship,” the expert noted. “[But] an expectation of revealing everything is often rooted in unhealthy relational dynamics, where there is a high level of interdependence versus healthy autonomy, and an over-reliance on the other for support and emotional dependence.”
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“Everyone has secrets, or at least information about themselves that they won’t reveal. And what is most important is being able to know for oneself the what and the why behind it, as well as assessing if keeping the information hidden aligns with values set for self and others,” she continued.
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“I think the key to close, healthy relationships is to remain open and curious about one another so that as we learn about ourselves, we feel safe and encouraged to share that learning with those who care for us,” the expert added.
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“We are constantly growing and changing, and that leads to us learning new things about who we are each and every day,” she shared. “I think it’s really incredible to try and deepen connections with people by asking them questions about who they are and showing them how interesting and exciting it is to learn more about them. Friendships and relationships take effort and spending time to engage in activities and conversations can be an avenue to learning everything we can about another person.
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“People often feel sharing secrets is a pathway to friendship intimacy, and it is important to remember that friendship intimacy can also be developed by sharing emotion-evoking experiences together, identifying and leaning into shared values, overcoming challenges, and engaging in new experiences together,” the counselor shared.
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And if you’re looking for a therapist of your own, be sure to visit Zencare!
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